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Realizations

I have been published as a reporter. Once I had a poem published (although it was mutilated by some heartless editor and barely resembled the original) in a magazine at the behest of my (at the time) college president. I have even seen the occasional letter “to the editor” in a daily publication…

Unfortunately, none of these really grants me the feeling of satisfaction -of accomplishment- that I imagine getting once I publish a story. Even a short story would be a step closer to my childhood dream, set aside for so long. I’ve never submitted any writing, fiction or otherwise, for publication outside of working as a reporter.

Perhaps it’s time I tried.

Eating Away At Attention Deficit Disorder

I harvested several more veggies from the garden this morning. Funny how I can’t seem to get excited about anything these days, but the vegetables always call me out into the backyard in the morning. It seems to be the worst time for mosquitoes and bees… but it’s worth the pain to have a quiet moment checking the fruits of my labors. Heh. See what I did there?

I’ve been trying to research some alternatives to medication for treatment of Attention Deficit Disorder. I read some amusing and passionate comments on a CNN article about whether or not teachers should be recommending medications for parents of children suspected of having ADD. It’s amusing in a bittersweet sense, that so many people who have not suffered with or really been exposed to the actual disorder feel so very righteous about their assumptions. Perhaps they’ve researched a bit and don’t feel that they’re making assumptions… but there’s a big difference between study and experience.

I’ve always believed (as the scientific community often announces) that it is over diagnosed. There are still people, however, who are out there pronouncing it fake or an excuse for lazy parents. Don’t get me wrong -my childhood was no cakewalk- but environment is not the only factor in the development of a human being. There are other factors at work that have a huge impact on the way we respond to our environments, whatever they are. That’s why some geniuses come from poor uneducated families, and some villains have never experienced true hopelessness. Chemicals, genetics and in my humble opinion spiritual awareness all play a part in how we grow.

Today I studied special diet recommendations for kids (people) with ADD and found that as usual, simplicity was the answer. Preservatives are bad for kids with ADHD. Potentially, gluten could be worsening the symptoms and adding more omega-3 fatty acids, iron, and fresh produce to their diets could make them better. Apparently, these are foods that aid in the production, or prevent the reduction of, dopamine in the brain, which has been linked to symptoms of ADD. So, basically, eat what the GOOD LORD GAVE YOU without chopping it into bits, pushing it through a machine, pumping it full of chemicals and wrapping it up in a material that will never biodegrade.

Good thing I planted a garden this year, eh?

Steven Slater’s Influence?

It seems like more and more people are thinking outside the box, these days. It may or may not always manifest in professional behavior, but overall I still think it’s good for the world.

Last night I couldn’t sleep and got up to write. I finished a blog that started with the last few paragraphs of this one, and promptly lost it to a faulty internet connection and lack of copy & paste common sense. So here I go again… I wrote last night about how I couldn’t sleep and how frustrated I was with my own mwntal limitations.

I’ve imposed these guidelines on myself for this blog, and anymore it seems I let one inspiration after another pass me by because it doesn’t fit the online persona I have imagined myself building.

More than ten years ago, I blogged from the heart. Sometimes multiple posts a day, just because I had a thought I wanted to share or at least write down. I honestly think I had more readers on Livejournal, without my own dedicated domain, than I do today. So who cares if my posts are relevant to specific readers or whether I have a decent picture to go with my blog?

From now on, I write regardless. No holds barred (or at least relatively few) and whenever I feel like it.
I’ve been realizing that I’m getting old. Lately, I look at teenagers and they seem alien to me. Sometimes I feel as if I can relate to their awkwardness, their feigned superiority and even some of their dejected responses to a world they really feel they’ve got little stake in. Other times I realize that the world they have developed in is breathtakingly different than what I experienced at that age.

They will never remember a time when none of the neighbors owned a computer. Most of them will never be dragged on a road trip with their parents and without a handheld internet device to keep them on-grid and entertained. Maybe I should feel a little grateful.

My isolation as a child drove me to read and find entertainment where I could. The introspection that still makes me feel ill at ease in social situations has also been my relief when the outside world becomes too much to bear. I miss it sometimes, and recall with amusement the raging boredom I struggled with.

I guess the point off all this half-remembered nonsense is that I’ve been wandering off the literary track for too long. I still don’t know if I’m capable of producing anything with my children at home (doubtful) but school starts soon. Charlie is almost ready for playschool and I have been ready to move forward toward anything for longer than I can remember.

From now on I write for me. You’re still welcome toread and comment, though. =)

Feast of First Fruits

I’ve always thought it would be really cool to have a garden. When we finally bought a house and had property that was “ours” to do with what we pleased… I pondered for a while just how to begin. We were lucky enough to inherit some great plants with our new yard and I’ve added something new just about every year. I still want a great big beautiful oak tree in the back yard, but currently my vegetable garden is proving to be quite a rewarding effort!

Last year’s garden was a little 3 by 6 foot plot that barely managed to produce a few small cayenne peppers and a single doomed pumpkin (this is about as big as it got). When this past spring rolled around, I told myself that if I was truly going to grow supplemental food for our family of one large-grown and two still-growing young lads, I was going to need more space.

It took the help of willing friends, a few broken farming implements and a whole lot of sweat… but we got ourselves a garden patch cleared out of the back corner and I must say I was quite proud of it after we’d finished. Already this year I’ve considered expanding it further along the western fence, to allow more room for the vining squash and pumpkin that I’m enjoying, and still be able to grow maybe some corn and string beans as well.

My beginnings were humble, but grand all at the same time. Once we had the plot of earth turned up (thanks, Claudia!) and had mixed in the compost I pushed the soil into raised ridges ready for new plants. I tried to plant two rows of carrots from seed -but they never did appear.

I had started Oregon Pea Pods (on the little fences to the left), watermelon (barely visible little things in the center row) and summer squash (second row from the right). The two tomato plants and two sweet bell pepper plants on the far right fence I purchased from the greenhouse.

Occasionally I had to turn on the hose during the hot dry days of June/July but for the most part I let my garden grow… unfortunately I didn’t do much weeding. One fine morning in early August I stepped out into the yard to check on the plantings and found the entire garden patch was overgrown with tall grasses. They were almost two feet high, and the actual veggies were struggling for sun and rain through that mess. Finally, it took two barefoot mornings outside in my nightgown with gardening gloves but I got the whole patch cleared up of the weeds.

The pile was (and still is) epic. Once I had cleared away all the volunteer growth, however, I was quite pleased to find healthy survivors of every thing but the carrots -which never came up in the first place as far as I’m aware. The tomatoes on my deck were larger than those in the garden, but they hadn’t had weeds to contend with and being so much closer to the back door they probably got more water, too.

The pile of weeds is another issue I need to address, as I have still not gone out to the junk store to pick up a used wheelbarrow, and the new ones are kinda pricey. Each morning now I go out into the garden to check on everything and pull a few weeds. Each weed I pull gets tossed onto this ever-growing pile and the garden remains fruitful and clear this way. It’s wild, though, it seems the early morning when I’m out checking my plants is the best time to catch fuzzy yellow bumblebees playing among the giant yellow flowers of the pumpkins and squash. The mosquitoes are early risers as well, because every morning I get a few new welts from the little bastards. This morning I actually scratched one from my temple mid-gulp and caught some blood on my finger.

So the garden is doing well now and producing veggies, although it’s very slow. Each plant gives up a single fruit every few days to a week now, but I can see bunches of little green tomatoes that look as if they’ll come to fruition together in the next month or so. The summer squash has given me three specimen, one of which rotted due to what looked like a bug attack. The other two are in my kitchen waiting to be steamed with a sprinkle of garlic pepper.

For Lammas Eve I took the boys out into the garden and let each of them harvest a vegetable. We talked about how agriculture played such a huge part in the religious practices of country folks (and witches) in the old days, and how important the harvest was to their way of life. I was probably more excited than they were, but each of them seemed to view the picking of a carefully tended (ahem) vegetable from mom’s garden like a serious honor.

Even in the few weeks since this picture was taken, the plants have exploded with life! The sunflower’s leaves are huge, and I’m hoping to get a bloom heavy with edible (and re-plantable) seeds before frost hits. The summer squash has slithered around to the back fence and is growing around the base of the grapevine (which still lives despite the horrid aphid attacks this summer and having been left with leaves like doilies but no grapes). The pumpkin grew to the edge of the garden and I redirected it toward the white fencing (which is practically bereft of peas now) and it’s grown all the way back on itself as well.

I hope we have our own home-grown pumpkins to carve for Samhain this year!

Back To The Woods

As I stood in a hot shower last night, letting the high pressure water jettison away the layers of grime and Deet I had acquired whilecamping in the Black River State Forest, I was really grateful for many things. Camping has always been something I enjoy -I remember to add it in almost all of my social media “about me” sections. When I was a kid we hardly ever camped, in fact I cannot remember camping with my parents before I became an adult. I suppose girl scout camp is the only exception.

The forest has always had a special attraction for me, but as a young person without kids I guess I had a lot less concern for creature comforts. I never used to be the type of person who’d let an obstacle get in the way of what I really want. Both of my sons went camping with me before they were 3 months old, and both of them have gone camping nearly every summer of their lives. Of course when I camped with them as infants we had the added security of a pop-up camper with a queen sized bed, air conditioning and a refrigerator. Anything less would have been irresponsible with such small babies. Some might say it was irresponsible anyway, but I’ve done enough camping as an adult now that I knew I could keep them safe, hale and hearty in the wilderness as long as I could keep their bottles coming and be safe from extreme temperatures.

Somehow, after this trip, I’m aware of a really serious change in myself. Camping has always felt to me like an escape from regular life and a reunion with nature. It’s a spiritual retreat for me just to be in the woods and sit around a fire at night, knowing that my family is safe around me. But this year I just couldn’t relax.

Just like Sebastian, Charlie has inherited my sensitivity to bug bites. Three years ago in Indiana Sebastian got so many mosquito bites in such a short period that his eye swelled shut. It looked horrible! The camp doc at the time gave him some children’s benedryl and advised me to keep him from getting more bites as best I could. This year we brought 40% Sportsman’s DEET just in case the organic BugBand (geraniol -works great in liquid form!) wipes didn’t cut it. They didn’t.

Charlie’s eye swelled up on the second day (not quite as badly as Sebastian’s) and we ended up giving him children’s benedryl and smearing the DEET onto him by hand. The poor kid scratched his bites raw and asked to go home every day. Seeing my youngest son in so much discomfort had me really wanting to leave early. When Sebastian was getting eaten alive by bugs he never asked once to go home -but we were at a pagan camping festival and he was surrounded by magical energies and other kids he had made friends with.

This trip was far different than a festival and, despite the beauty of the natural landscape and the company of seldom seen friends, I really couldn’t stop worrying about the kids. Saturday was 93 degrees and we ended up taking a trip into town to escape the heat of the day. We ate at McDonald’s (like Christmas in July!) and took the kids into Black River Falls to look for kitschy gift stores. By the time we got back the weather radio was reporting increasing chances of rain and thunderstorms and the clear blue sky was not quite as blue through the treetops.

The group decided that it would be easier to pack up and leave immediately than to wait out what looked to potentially be 12 hours of rain and then pack up wet tents and equipment. Honestly, I was surprised at my own relief when faced with the chance to go home. Watching my children run through the woods and worrying about every little cut, the exposure, the distance to medical care or shelter… it completely took the relaxation out of camping. Hell, even the hard work required to construct a shelter, prepare the fire and cook daily meals can be therapeutic when you’re able to do it and settle in for the night without worrying that the kids are too cold or damp or may be having sinus problems.

I guess I’ve realized that all these years of telling myself (and everyone else) that I could do anything -camp with a toddler as a single mother, drive 7 hours to camp on a mountainesque Indiana hilltop with both kids and without my husband to help, take our children together into the wilderness without electricity or running water nearby- has not made me any happier. We did have enjoyable moments while we had all our adventures, but they are snapshots in a longer series of stressed-out summers.  I wonder now if I could have spared myself all the stress and worry and constant paranoid supervision and just allowed myself to believe that I could do any of it. I suppose not. Sometimes in life we do things to prove to ourselves that we can.
From now on, I know that I’m capable of camping with the kids and keeping them safe and healthy. Maybe next time I can do it without them. I love my kids and I love taking them on adventures, giving them experiences that they’ll remember and hopefully learn from. I guess I just love the woods, too, and I’m getting too old to challenge myself constantly when what I really need is to recharge myself and enjoy nature. Next time, I want to camp sans the children. I think then I’ll call it a vacation.

Summer Play

So this spring I had big hopes for growing things and truly immersing myself in the energies and the life-giving properties of the summer season. We visited greenhouses with Charlie (Bastian was still in school at the time) and I bought seeds and a greenhouse/tray for starting seeds. Overall, I’d have to say I’m not disappointed.

The garden that I actually tilled and planted in the ground near our back fence has been less than fantastic -but I’ve got some sweet pea pods thriving (less than 1/4 the crop I planted) and several summer squash getting big. There’s maybe one or two watermelons coming along and the peppers and tomatoes are really not growing fast enough.

The deck, however, is flourishing nicely.  The three tomatoes I planted in a large plastic pot are three times the size of the ones I put in the ground, and the squash are also more than double the size (and already past flowering). Even the sunflowers I have in a small pot on the deck are larger than the ones in the ground. Maybe our deck is magical… or maybe all that wood attracting the sunlight and reflecting the heat of it into the plants makes a serious difference.

Sebastian has been a huge help this summer… not so much with the gardening or yard work but with Charlie and whatever other younger kids come over to play. Some days the two of them play too rough and end up crying and screaming at each other every few minutes. Others I hear Sebastian goofing off with Charlie until he’s laughing himself out of breath. It’s great to hear your children playing and getting along. So good it’s almost like payoff for those… other times.

The summer’s moving along nicely. I hope I keep making strides toward being happier as well.

Unexpected Sunshine

Today I expected to see gloomy skies and more rain -but this morning was beautiful! The air was just the perfect temperature, we opened up the window and turned on the ceiling fan for comfort. The boys were outside playing before 11 am and I even joined them for a bit. They came in all excited because they’d found a red lady bug (I’ve trained them to search for one for me) and I went out to take a picture of it. I’m still not certain it was actually red… but it was a much darker shade of betrayal than the rest of those damnable imported orange imposters.

I also found some tiny toadstools in the yard, while attempting to photograph said bug, and got some awesome shots of those which I think I’ll post on my photoblog. The beauty of the day seems to have given me some strange momentum, and I’m getting things done around the house that have been just waiting for weeks. I’m about to fold my fourth basket of clean laundry, I finally seam-sealed the tent and rain fly so I can put that monstrosity away tonight, I re-hung the fallen cellular shade from the living room and nailed an L bracket to the wall in the middle to support it (hopefully our crappy plaster walls won’t spit it out again) and I even started picking up the floor of my office. Last Monday it rained so hard the the gutter outside my office window (which has always leaked) poured water into the outer frame of the poorly installed window -which then proceeded to pour water all over my desk as I was working on the computer. Of course I flipped out, shut down my computer and pushed everything on my desk either off onto the floor or over to the extreme left away from the water spattering all over the place. Yesterday afternoon my mother came over and held the ladder for me while I caulked inside the frame. I’m hoping that this extra day without rain (it’s forcasted to start up again later tonight or maybe tomorrow) has allowed it to dry sufficiently that it won’t leak again.

The basement is really cool and comfortable right now, and I’m wishing we had some extra money to buy another TV. Money isn’t something that’s working itself out today (any more than usual) but at least if I keep on this accomplishing spree I hope maybe I’ll find the strength to call the student loan entity I’m so afraid of and negotiate a way for me to finish that last semester between myself and the Bachelors I’ve been chasing for nearly a decade now.

Looking around myself these days I see most of my friends improving their appearances, their lifestyles, their financial situations… and I feel like I’m watching from the sidelines.  It makes me a little ashamed of myself to be honest. At the same time, I don’t have the luxury of a gym membership or a weight loss support program or an expensive medicine or a decent history of documented experience in my field. When I was a younger woman, and more idealistic, I would have set my jaw and worked that much harder to prove that I was just as capable as everyone else. These days I feel a little more broken down, like a car with a few too many miles. Still, if I could just find a way to shake off the dust and corrosion I feel like there might still be a few people out there who’d recognize that there’s a thing of beauty here. You’ve got to hit rock bottom if you’re going to push up off of it, right?

Yesterday is a dream…

Yesterday was just plain horrible. I sank into the worst funk I’ve had in a while… and the only thing that ended up pulling me out of it was work. Thankfully, after laying in bed several hours wishing for sleep to just take me away from my own destructive thought processes, I passed out and awoke to less desperation.

I got up this morning, cooked up some corned beef hash for the kids and I and made myself a little pot of coffee. Coffee really does seem to make my day feel more productive -I just seldom make it for me alone. Lately it seems that I do have friends who care enough to pull me out of my shell when I’m really broke and depressed about it. Even my mother called yesterday and invited us over for a spaghetti dinner. It was a relief to know that we’d all be fed one more day without my having to troll the kitchen cabinets for whatever was edible.

Today I MUST clean my office. Ever since the boys’ birthday barbecue it’s been filled to the brim with winter coats I meant to hang in the closet, various boxes I meant to use for organizing the linen closet, mail that we don’t want to open because it’s just going to ask us for money we don’t have, and framed pictures and such that I haven’t had the time to find hangers or places for.

Charlie and Bastian have to climb over the pile to harass me at my desk (small blessing?) but it’s ridiculous for there to be such a tiny path through the clutter to get to the computer. It looks like an episode of Hoarders from A&E in here.  I’ve had to send Charlie away about three times just in the course of this short post, and he’s now leaning against the office door wailing intermittently because he wants me to help him build a wooden train model he got for his birthday. Sigh. It’s just 15 more years until I can potentially experience “empty nest” syndrome… just 15 years…

On days when I’ve been miserable though (like yesterday), it is really nice to be able to kiss and hug on my boys…  Sometimes it feels like they’re the only thing that keeps me from just staying in bed forever. Sometimes they are literally the thing that keeps me from staying in bed all day.  I love them with all my heart… but I’ve always been the type of person who likes to have my own space and the toddler years just do not allow for that without a live-in nanny or consistent babysitter. Eventually, without a break for grown-up time with Daddy, I start to feel inhuman. It keeps occuring to me that they need to be more self-sufficient. Sebastian is already a big help around here and I have to remember that as Charlie gets older he’ll be able to do more of the things that Bastian can. Hell, this fall it’ll be time for Charlie to go off to pre-school and then I’ll actually have daylight hours without a constantly needy companion! I remember when Bastian was a toddler and I was about to pull my hair out (he was in daycare even, while I took classes) -but when he started school and I had those few hours alone without having to be in classes or commuting anywhere… I missed the little guy! I still cherished the “me” time, though. =)

Rainy June Afternoon

It’s been raining just about every day since I erected the 10-person tent in our backyard. The kids had a camp-out in the back yard with friends on Friday night, and I had hoped to weather-seal the seams on it this week -but it won’t stop raining! Still, I really enjoy the cooler weather and the fresh air.

The barbecue went off pretty well… not everyone got the original mass text I sent out, because I was composing it while doing multiple other things and got side tracked in the middle of selecting recipients. Then we cancelled (due to weather) and rescheduled for Monday night and again I composed a mass text which didn’t reach all of our intended recipients. If anyone’s upset about not getting the invite/update I’m really sorry! I didn’t want to exclude anyone on purpose.

The junk I bought at Target’s $1 bin area pretty much went to all the kids who came as a sort of thank you present (and because toddlers rarely are able to watch someone else get a present or toy without having a complete breakdown) and the games never even happened. Fortunately, the kids all ran around kicking the various balls and junk around our yard on any given day and the adults all chatted until the meat was cooked. It went pretty well, all in all. My bathroom hasn’t been this clean since we moved in.

Today I’m struggling to decide whether my first school-related call should be to the state unemployment office to inquire about grants (which I’ve heard they’ll give if you’re already working on a degree) or to Sallie Mae to try and consolidate my loans. The only problem with consolidation is they usually want you to make a payment in good faith and I’ve really got nothing at all to offer. I just want to get myself back into classes so bad it hurts. I want to be done. Maybe if I want it enough I’ll get up off my butt and make it happen.

This afternoon we took all the cash and Toy’s R Us gift cards and I let the boys pretty much have their pick of the aisles. They ran around a little bit, but I managed to steer them away from the multiple hundred dollar power wheels trucks and they each got a smattering of pretty good loot. Bastian’s waiting patiently to use the computer for the games he got -guess I’ll write more later. =)

Birthday Boys

So today is the rescheduled birthday barbecue we were going to have on Saturday. It was overcast and rained off and on all day so we invited everyone for Monday night and it turns out that this is a better day for pretty much everyone!

Sebastian’s already 8 years old… it’s hard for me to think about that. His birth was the start of my college career (still unfinished) and so many life changes I can barely remember who I was before. All in all, I wouldn’t change any of it. There are some things I’d like to change currently -but I guess I’ll always believe that the choices (and mistakes) I’ve made so far all had a hand in the blessings I currently enjoy. Who knows what might have happened if I’d made better decisions about my school transfers and courses of study.

Anyway, I have no business sitting at the computer with bacon on the stove and a bathroom, couch, and half sink of dishes to get cleaned up before the guests start arriving tonight. Hell, I haven’t even started the potato salad or put together any of the kid’s games yet!