Tag Archive: beliefs


The mess and the hunger…

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — 3 Comments
02/26/2004

GOD, I’m starving this morning. And the apartment (once again) looks as though a tornado went through it.

I’m counting the days to spring break, and most importantly spring!

I already got one person to take action on my HRC action page! I’m so happy! I just with I could add more stuff to it. I’m sure there’s a way, but I don’t know how to yet.

I really wanted this to be a good entry, you know, interesting? But I’m so hungry I can’t think of anything else.

Last night while I was working I had another of those semi-religious experiences. I was coming back from a delivery (pizza, that is) and the sky was just beautiful -shades of aquadescending to the horizon where the last few rays of the past-set sun were turning the blues into greens. It was warm (Practically 40 degrees) and quiet. I love the night, I swear that “god” is closer to me then.

Working outside has always been a draw to me, and driving makes it fun, too. I’ve been struggling between the logic that tends to take precedence over my beliefs and the spirituality I feel so connected to. Faith is believing in something without reason, and I’ve always had a problem doing that. I mean, just because someone tells you to believe something -that’s just another human’s word. That’s not worth much these days, but I don’t know if it ever could have been something to stake one’s eternal soul on.

Most of my beliefs, though, are pretty ambiguous. I don’t believe there’s something more to life than the physical world we see just because someone told me to.

I really FEEL there’s something more to reality. When I look at the stars, why does my heart feel like it’s being lifted, pulled to join them? Why do I want to open my arms and embrace the sky sometimes?

Often we, as humans, feel the need to be special or desired. Perhaps the belief in diety/the spirit world gives us hope that we will someday be a part of something special. Or that we as humans can interact with these worlds, making us special or gifted. I don’t know, but I do believe that we are spiritual creatures as well as physical. It’s just that some people aren’t capable of sensing it -or don’t want to. I think emotions are a real connection to that reality too.

THoughts?

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Heart of Glass

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — 1 Comment
02/25/2004

So I’ve corresponded with the friends I am currently somewhat estranged from. I wrote this big long response to the big long email I got, and apparently it got lost. I responded the same day I got the letter, and all this time I’ve been wondering why I didn’t get a response. Doncha hate it when you write a really good letter and for some reason you have to try and reproduce it?

Anyway, it’s been a while since I got busy on the sincere tip here in the ol’ journal. ‘Course, even when they read it my friends have a bad habit of not clicking on the “Give 2 cents” link down at the bottom. (you know you don’t have to be a member of LJ to respond, you can do it anonymously and just include your name or screen-name in the text).

God, I can’t believe spring break is so close! I’ll have so much time off! And I only have a 12 page take home mid-term, a 25 source bibliography, and research for that 20 page paper to work on. How EVER will I keep myself busy? Good thing Sebastian has daycare. I think I can still take him in, I’ll just spend my normal class times working on all this crap at some cushy coffee place like Atlanta Bread Co. or Borders. That’ll be awesome now that I have a laptop.

I’m eating yucky disgusting ALDI’s chicken nuggets as I type this, and wishing I was one of those rich people who could snack on cold salmon or black caviar. *sigh*

Yeah… Bush is looking more and more like the antichrist every day. It’s funny, I was present for a conversation that a psychic friend of mine was having right around the time Dubya was elected and she was vehemently proclaiming him the anti-christ. I thought that was ridiculous and she was just saying it because she was a liberal.

Wow… it was only that long ago that I was… one of them

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Tedium

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
01/25/2004

I was just noticing how that last entry, if I didn’t know it was me, could have been written by a high-school student. Well, a neurotic high school student. Whatever.

It’s not that far from New Years -I could start a belated resolution. I haven’t exercised yet (scheduled to meet the girls tonight for belly-dance) but I think this is something that will prove significantly more beneficial. Watching dating shows and hearing these women talk about how the only way to get over their ex is to find a REALLY great guy… I don’t want to be dependent on a partner for my happiness. I sort of am, though, and that sucks. Not having a partner is making me so unhappy -but I honestly haven’t got the time to look for one. Honestly, I don’t think I have the skills either. I have no experience finding people, but I can interact well once I’m put on the spot.

So I’m really thinking that the idea of a year long “cleansing” period has more perks than I realized. One change though -I need a year of being entirely unavailable. Not just “no sex”… I mean not looking for a partner for one whole year. I’ve been watching reality dating shows all afternoon (god, I hate this trend -but it’s made me realize dating still exists) and I’m on my second showing of “16 Candles” with Molly Ringwald.

Just another manic Sunday…

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Wow…

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
01/16/2004

So one of my lj “friends”, , has been mobilized and sent off to Kuwait. I really feel weird about that.

Last night I had a really good talk with a friend (“friend X” to be exact) who made me realize -I could be disowned for this- I may actually lean to the left.

My personal views (I’ve always just felt what I did based on personal experience and such) are pretty liberal. Fortunately, I’ve found someone who’s willing to explain really basic political stuff (which I should already know, but I’ve been irresponsible) to me without being condescending. I guess I just never really wanted to associate myself with either of the two party “evils”. I still don’t, but there is a “left-right spectrum” apparently, and I’ve placed myself to the left of the middle. This does not bode well for my inheritance (lol).

This war that’s going on, however, has me kind of nervous. I’ve always thought the armed forces were pretty necessary, having been spawned -technically- by the Air Force. I was an experiment at area 51 (read: both parents were Air Force personnel at the time of my conception).

Anyway, I’m not so sure how comfortable I am with all the people dissapearing from our back yard. Hundreds of thousands of young service persons have been mobilized already, we’ve got Saddam, and yet we’re still sending MORE folks over? I dunno, but something seems to be “up”. I know, they may be sending people in now to relieve the ones who’ve already been there for so long…

I guess it just feels like this war is so far away that we sometimes forget we’re even AT war. I hardly hear about it thoughout my day. Michael Jackson gets more press around here than the Middle East -or so it seems. Am I wrong?

I remember the time before 9-11…

The feeling of unease has returned. How long can we, as the American People, go without acknowledging what goes on outside our coastline? Are Soccer Moms REALLY the worst threat to our way of life?

I dunno. I’m not big on apocalyptic talk, or fear tactics in general. Perhaps is right. Let’s Rock The Vote next time, MTV generation! At least that’s SOMEthing more than wondering what’s going on.

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Do I look fat?

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — 2 Comments
12/31/2003

Adam says he hates this picture because it makes my face look unrealistically fat. It was taken while I was nine months pregnant (about to burst) and I had a 10 pound 1 ounce baby.

I guess the close crop job does make my face look a bit “vast”. I just have trouble getting pix of my face without some dumb-ass expression on my face. I’ll keep trying.

So it’s Dec 31st and I’m getting ready to go to my “lady doctor”. Sebastian is fussy because it’s almost naptime.

I was watching this little implike creature run around the house today and again the fascination overtook me. I keep getting this odd feeling, like I can’t really believe I gave birth to a life-form. He’s so cute and miniature… Yet I think he’s really intelligent for his age. He’s only 1 year and 7 months, but he’s starting to talk and he can ambulate and use tools (fork, spoon, straw, remote control) pretty well. Yesterday he said his first complete sentence, “Where’s the ball?”.

I hope I never lose this reverence I have for him. I have never in my life been described as an “emotional” person. Usually I’m the reason oriented one who’s somewhat passive emotionally. Now I feel like I’ve been transported to wonderland. I’m adjusting fairly well. I do sometimes lose my temper, but I don’t react physically and I apologize if my yelling becomes more emotional than functional.

“Friend X” was over the other night, making plans on the phone to go out to the bar. I was having a ‘female’ moment, and wishing I could either join him or keep him here when I realized the root of my mistake. This is my life now. I have a child to care for and I can’t just run out and get fucked up anymore. I feel a distinct sense of envy for all my peers who can just mobilize without any consideration. I have to find a safe trusted babysitter if I want to go anywhere without my son.

It’s not such a bad thing, it’s just that the 24 year old part of me (biological) wants to be partying. The ageless part (mental) knows that the rewards and the lifestyle associated with the path I’ve been placed upon are far loftier goals. I need to be really aware of my motivations these days, as I am somewhat conflicted.

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Snacky treats

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
12/01/2003

Well, I’ve had a christmas cookie relapse. I went out and got another jar of these damn mini shortbread cookies with white frosting and sprinkles. They are like crack.

On a different note – there is one more week of classes this semester, then finals week. I have so much to get done in this little amount of time. S’okay though, I work better under stress anyway.

Sebastian’s still sick. The whole Thanksgiving break we’ve been fighting this damn cold between us.

I’m missing classes today because I woke up with the sorest throat so far, and Sebastian actually climbed into my bed and slept until 9 today. I couldn’t believe it.

I made pizza’s for “family Dinner” last night. Seemed to be well liked, and I even got complements. I love cooking, especially when people enjoy what I’ve made. Next week is a christmas cookie trading party! My inner Donna Reed is gonna be out in full force this week. In between my inner maniac who’s got several papers and nine chapters of Latin to deal with.

I’m really feeling better lately. A number of factors have contributed to my upswing, but I was reading over some old journal entries last night and I really think I’m making progress with the whole Chris thing.

I had this weird dream last night, there were lots of parts to it, but one of them consisted of me questioning Abbey on why she meddled with Chris and I so much (Sebastian’s Father) when we were still together. She honestly didn’t know in the dream and it seemed that she was a bit ashamed of herself. Part of me gets angry when I think about all the conflict that was spurred on by her actions alone in that situation. The rest of me realizes that she’s emotionally undeveloped and really doesn’t undestand the levity of the situation. She’s a spoiled child.

The Chris issue used to cause me alot of grief. I still feel down sometimes when I think about it, but on the whole I know that Sebastian will know he’s loved whether he’s got a father or not. I also know that Chris isn’t good enough for us. So I guess it’s for the best that he dissapeared. I’m not taking it personally, but I think it will always bother me a little.

It’ll bother me a lot less when I find someone to settle down with, but I’m not going to hurry. I believe in destiny and true love. Somehow I know things are going to work out. It’s just that patience and waiting have never been my strong points.

SO all in all, things are going well. I think life is full of events which are meant to teach us things. Maybe I’m learning patience right now. It’s a little frustrating, but I think it’ll be worth it. Kammi keeps telling me that if I’m patient, the rewards will be great. I think that applies to more than one situation in my life.

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Wacko

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — 2 Comments
11/21/2003

I am so angry at Michael Jackson right now.

I liked him for so long… I still pretty much enjoy a lot of his music. Even when the first child accused him of molestation, I was skeptical and felt for Michael. He seemed to be innocent and just really attached to the idea of having children around.

Then I watched that special and listened to the man himself talk about his affinity for children, and I saw him with his own children.

This man is a child. I’m sure he’s very attached to his kids and loves them in the same way a child loves other children. The problem is, children need adult parents who love them as only a responsible parent can.

Michael handles these kids like they’re some kind of rare pets. Fabric covering their faces, even the infant? This poor baby is going to grow up so psychologically askew, it’s totally unfair. Now maybe these kids will be given to someone who can raise them to be mentally healthy. Michael’s being accused AGAIN (can it even be possible this is a coincidence?) and the kids are what I’M wondering about.

Every time I see AP footage of Michael dangling that infant over the balcony rail, I get violent urges. I don’t care how much you want to share the bottom 2/3′s of your son with strangers (fans) you NEVER put a child in that kind of position!! What if he had faltered, due to some natural human error or wind? What if he just slipped? His hold on the baby doesn’t look very good. I’m clutching my son’s bottom and holding him close to me when we ever get NEAR a drop, and I’d NEVER suspend him from one of my arms OVER a four story fall like that. Not to mention that fact that Michael’s other hand is busy holding in place the white piece of fabric hiding the baby’s face INSTEAD of supporting the child’s bottom for comfort and to prevent DROPPING THE KID.

OH, I am so unhappy with a world where this kind of person gets to go out and FARM up kids with the highest bidder, just because he had the money. Perhaps now that he’s losing his financial power and being accused of child molestation, he will be investigated for real.

I’m lamenting for all the children in the world who are disadvantaged -especially his.

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Protected: Concerning Yearning

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10/13/2003

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