Tag Archive: dad


Walk Your Talk

It’s funny how I can get all up in arms about people who say one thing and do another, or who don’t carry through with what they know they should be doing… and yet for months I’ve been blowing off all the things I need to do to improve my situation. I’ve flip-flopped between looking for full time work and trying to sort out the intimidating mess that my student loan situation has become. I’ve resolved myself to donate piles of clutter and clothes from around the house, and those items I’ve put aside are still sitting in piles waiting to get loaded into the van. I’ve even decided that in order to keep myself from feeling that I’ve lost all ability, I need to write regularly and spend more time with the fiction I used to love so much. Despite all this, I have yet to produce even a complete short story… it’s been YEARS since I finished writing anything.

All these things combined could become so depressing they might weigh me down further -except that I am writing this blog post on the crest of my latest wave of motivation. Unexpected as they usually are, this one feels almost familiar. My father used to tell these little stories when he wanted to impart a lesson to me, and at the time I used to marvel at them even as I laughed. Sometimes I wish I could talk to him again, just to reassure him that despite his belief that I didn’t listen or believe his wisdom… all of it has stayed with me. While the stories were sometimes crude or inappropriate, the lessons behind them were good ones.

Probably my favorite story was about a dog sitting on a porch howling.  The owner is sitting right next to him, whittling or something, and doing nothing. So my dad (or the teller of the story, I’d assume) walks up and asks what’s wrong with the dog. The owner says he’s sitting on a nail. Of course the storyteller asks why he doesn’t move off of it. Ready for the answer?

“It just doesn’t hurt enough.”

Visitor or no visitor?

Well something really strange happened today… I’ve beenĀ  meaning to put up more pictures of the 4th of July activities, but this kinda trumps them. Charlie and I had gone grocery shopping this afternoon, while Sebastian played at a friend’s house. Unfortunately, Charlie had the butt throw-ups while we were at the store, and I had to hurry home and change his diaper. While he’s laying on the changing table and I’ve got a hot mess in one hand and his ankles in the other, I hear a sound.july090066

See, the nursery is pretty small and the crib is right behind me while I’m at the changing table. The shelves have been on the wall there since we moved in, and it’s always been a great place to keep Charlie’s stuffed animals and books. The stuffed reindeer there has a button on his left foot that turns him on. He sins “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer” and his nose lights up and flashes red.

This is the sound I hear in the almost silent room as I’m changing Charlie’s diaper. Oddly enough, I wasn’t really scared when I heard it… just sort of hesitant. I guess you could say I was leaning toward curious as well. I felt a little crazy, but I asked out loud “if someone present did that, can you do it again? Can you make the reindeer come back on?” and nothing happened.

I laughed it off, finished changing Charlie and snapped a few pictures. No creepy ghost faces or anything… so I put him down for a nap. Just because I’m a believer, though, I started to lift the reindeer off the shelf and take it with me. Charlie cried out, and just as he did so -it went off again in my hand. I was holding it by the body -not touching the button or the leg at all. He insisted that I put it back on the shelf, and so I did. I haven’t heard it going off since then and he’s been asleep for about an hour.

…I’ve always sort of wondered if my dad’s spirit ever visits the nursery. I suppose I could say that I have felt as if I’m being watched in there occasionally -not in a creepy way, but more in a wistful kind of isolated way. Like he just wants a peek at his namesake and grandchild. Bastian and I certainly wouldn’t mind a visit from dad, as long as he wasn’t menacing or morbid or anything. Then again, I’m willing to chalk that up to wishful thinking. I miss my dad alot.

So anyway, here are a few more shots of the 4th and the fireworks settings on my Canon Digital Elph, PowerShot SD790 IS. I absolutely love this little camera. Despite being the size of a deck of playing cards (or maybe slimmer) it takes the best photos I’ve seen out of any other point-and-click. Besides all that, the flash is powerful enough to light up a pitch black room and make it look like the photo was taken outside at noon. There is also an aquarium setting and underwater, although the waterproof case is a little too rich for my blood.

Web Junkie

Well I found a tutorial on FrontPage 2003 the other day, and once I actually read through it and did the exercises -I really started to understand how to use the program. My father did the same thing years ago with his website, Chuck’s Odyssey, and despite his urgings I really didn’t attempt to learn it all.

I was really proud of him for figuring out how to design his own website. Maybe he can still be proud of me for following in his footsteps, just a few years later than he wanted me to.

Anyway, so for the last day or so I’ve been hunched over my computer playing with buttons and graphics and content and hyperlinks. Hopefully very soon I’ll actually have a whole website up at my domain, rather than just redirecting to this blog. There’ll be a pretty little button that links here, and lots of other goodies too.

At the moment, however, I feel like I’m going to pass out across the keyboard. I’m getting too old to stay up until 4:30 in the morning. On that note, Sebastian actually refused his bedtime story today. I was a little shocked when he said, “actually mom, let’s skip the story tonight” and leaned back on his pillow. “I’m just so tired” he says to me.

I hope that it’s just because he’s been sick and is recovering now. Granted, he’s getting older and learning to read himself now… but I always want to read his bedtime stories to him. It’s like a ritual for us. I think I’m getting va-klemped.

Dream Time Again

So last night I had one of those long disjointed dreams where there were lots of parts, and I’m not really sure which order they go in.

I know that in one part I was at some kind of party with people from around the social group my husband and I are a part of. A guy from both of our past, who I dislike in general, was there. I borrowed his car for something or other, and ended up having to talk to him socially.

Later, I was outside the apartment my father and I lived in when my parents got separated and my mom finally kicked me out. There was a drainage area outside, but in the dream it was a fairly deep creek. My father was standing on some rocks on the far side of it, fishing. He had caught some kind of round flat fish. I remember him referring to it as a “9-inch predator”. I think he was also diving into the creek, swimming underwater for something and coming out. I wanted to swim too, but was unsure of the water.

I don’t think I registered, in the dream, that dad passed away. I was happy to see him, though.

When I woke up, in my semi-conscious state, I reasoned that maybe it was a message from him that he’s enjoying himself wherever he is. Fishing, perhaps, by the side of some quiet creek full of fish. He seemed to have a lot of energy in the dream, like a younger man.

When I woke up, the kids actually stayed in bed until after I got myself up, around 7:30. It was nice to sleep in.

Charles L. Martin

One year ago today, my father passed away in his sleep.

I wrote the obituary, with my sisters and mother looking on, and everyone mentioned whatever edits they wanted. Somehow, this day has left me unsure how to feel. Throughout that last year I have felt at peace with his passing, content in the knowledge that he’s not suffering and his spirit was a kind and generous one. I know that his positivity will carry him into whatever realm comes next in comfort and enlightenment.

At the same time, I’ve always felt that the saddest thing about death and dying is the loss that we who are left behind must face. I loved my father so much… And the knowledge that he loved and cared for me, for so long after many parents wouldn’t have, is both comforting and hurtful. Because he’s gone from my life, I’m left with a space that will never go away.

Sometimes I’ll think of him while I’m doing something mundane and begin to cry a little. Walking through the aisles at Wal-mart and thinking of all the years I did our Christmas shopping, with his list in hand, got me choked up this year. Sitting down to breakfast at one of the many greasy spoon restaurants he loved so much always hurts a little. But remembering him and feeling the loss and the sadness is healthy.

In a way, I guess I’m paying my respects to his memory by never forgetting the things we shared and the moments we had together. I miss him a lot, and I hope that in the afterlife he’s able to see and do all the things he had originally planned for his retirement.

I like to picture him in a giant RV, complete with fireplace and hot-tub, motoring across the summerlands and staying at all the campgrounds for free -because it’s the summerlands, for crying out loud!

Rest In Peace, dad. Or if you’re traveling… don’t forget to bring back souvenirs.

No Rest for the Weary

Well, Christmas is over. The kids had a great holiday, thanks to some good friends and all the grandparents. Mike and I were pretty broke, but he still managed to come up with a gift that was well-though out and touching. I, of course, had no money or time to buy him a gift. I bought two Christmas presents this year, both for Sebastian.

I’m grateful that I was able to get him anything at all, but it really tears me up that we couldn’t get more for others. Shopping for Christmas presents, and giving to the people I care about, is really what I like best about Christmas. I enjoy the strategy involved in picking out something that will match a person’s personality or tastes and seeing that they like what they got. It just makes me feel really good.

For the past several years I did my father’s Christmas shopping for the whole family, and then we’d just put all our names on the tags. He hated crowds and shopping in general, and his knees were getting worse for him anyway, so I was glad to take on the responsibility. Every year he’d give me a list of names and how much I was allowed for each person, and each year I’d go way over and he’d tell me that he wasn’t giving any presents the next year.

I was really hoping the baby would take a nap early today, so I could drink some coffee and write. Unfortunately, I’m listening to his not-quite-wailing through the baby monitor now and must cut this entry short.

Merry Christmas.

Protected: Forces are aligning against us. The year thus far is killing me.

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Heart of Glass

So I’ve corresponded with the friends I am currently somewhat estranged from. I wrote this big long response to the big long email I got, and apparently it got lost. I responded the same day I got the letter, and all this time I’ve been wondering why I didn’t get a response. Doncha hate it when you write a really good letter and for some reason you have to try and reproduce it?

Anyway, it’s been a while since I got busy on the sincere tip here in the ol’ journal. ‘Course, even when they read it my friends have a bad habit of not clicking on the “Give 2 cents” link down at the bottom. (you know you don’t have to be a member of LJ to respond, you can do it anonymously and just include your name or screen-name in the text).

God, I can’t believe spring break is so close! I’ll have so much time off! And I only have a 12 page take home mid-term, a 25 source bibliography, and research for that 20 page paper to work on. How EVER will I keep myself busy? Good thing Sebastian has daycare. I think I can still take him in, I’ll just spend my normal class times working on all this crap at some cushy coffee place like Atlanta Bread Co. or Borders. That’ll be awesome now that I have a laptop.

I’m eating yucky disgusting ALDI’s chicken nuggets as I type this, and wishing I was one of those rich people who could snack on cold salmon or black caviar. *sigh*

Yeah… Bush is looking more and more like the antichrist every day. It’s funny, I was present for a conversation that a psychic friend of mine was having right around the time Dubya was elected and she was vehemently proclaiming him the anti-christ. I thought that was ridiculous and she was just saying it because she was a liberal.

Wow… it was only that long ago that I was… one of them

My Father Would KILL Me…

,, and Isaac (who never reads my journal) -This is for you. Any meager inheritance I may have is now RIGHT out the window. Note the party that seems to predominate the top 7 in my list. My father’s always saying that any vote other than a republican one is just being wasted.

I had somehow become attached to the idea of Dean winning (although I hadn’t studied his platform yet). I think I just liked him because of his passion, and he was on the cover of the Rolling Stone. LOL…

Isaac says Kerry’s a schmuck, because he changed positions on the war at the last minute.

1 Kerry Score: 100%

Party Democrat

2 Lieberman Score: 89%

Party Democrat

3 Clark Score: 87%

Party Democrat

4 Kucinich Score: 87%

Party Democrat

5 Edwards Score: 87%

Party Democrat

6 Dean Score: 86%

Party Democrat

7 Sharpton Score: 85%

Party Democrat

8 Bush Score: 35%

Party Republican

…What time is it? Grumble, grumble…

I was up late last night and now I’m tired. My mother was nice enough to keep Sebastian over night so I could belly dance and then have the evening. I’ve got the DVD at home now and I’ve belly danced almost every day this week.

Scored lots of cool jewelry last night from a friend who had an overabundance. I also discovered a really cool new stone… Petercite?

School’s been enjoyable lately. I’ve gone through a period of slight depression due to my ever-looming situation with Sebastian. I feel better now, and more in control than before.

Adam – Your comment was good. It made me feel better, and my father is already 62. He’s retiring at 65. He is NOT taking care of himself and I know the clock is ticking every minute that I’m here regardless of that. It just hurts to be reminded of it so matter-of-factly when he’s feeling like lashing out.

I had lunch with Randy yesterday. It was nice to see him. I’m still keeping in mind the space issue though. I enjoy his company and I want us to be friends, but I can’t open myself up to the physical attraction that always takes over. It’s frustrating to keep repeating the same cycle over and over. I won’t do it anymore. I feel stupid just thinking about it.

I accidentally left the patio door cracked last night and now it’s freezing in the living room. Sebastian’s fully dressed, though, so he’s pretty much okay.

Today I have a paper to start and plenty of reading to do. Since I dropped that physics class and lab, I have three hours today while Sebastian’s at daycare. Yippee!!!

Me