Posts Tagged ‘depression’
Posted by Mary Diamond on 01/20/2010
For months now we’ve been struggling in the cold, suffering with the seasonal depression that seems to affect just about every mammal to some degree. I’ve been spending my days of unemployment trolling the web for decent looking job opportunites and letting the housework get out of hand on a fairly regular basis. You’d think, with all this time on my hands, I’d be on top of all of it. Not so, my friends. Not so.
Looking around the house this morning I realized a few things. For starters, the dining room is one of the most pleasant rooms in the house as far as the view and the layout but it is the room we spend the least amount of time in. This is mostly because it is full of things that haven’t found a place to belong, or just haven’t been put there for so long we’ve assumed they’re a part of the landscape. Also, the living room is full of laundry and I have no idea how it got there. The couch and much of the floor is covered with the kids clothes, and I think it may be because they unpacked their overnight bags from Grandma and Grandpa’s house last weekend by upending them. It honestly looks like a laundry fight happened there.
Why is it that whenever I sit at the computer with the intention of blogging about something I’m passionate about, something that feels really important, I end up talking about chores and my own laziness? Perhaps I’m indirectly bemoaning my own writer’s block (which is something else I’ve wanted to write about, if only just to get the juices flowing again). In any case, this morning was an exercise in frustration and I plan to turn it all around… just as soon as I finish typing (and checking my Facebook Page, DOH!).
When I was writing for a publication, getting paid per line of story, I had a sort of thrill about everything I did. Even the stories that made me groan a little or required me to interview someone I’d normally never approach were exciting, because I knew that they’d be read by an audience of my peers and that my input was needed to put the paper together. Hell, even the impending deadlines and the threats (veiled or otherwise) from editors gave me a little rush from time to time. The news world is up to the second these days, and every moment after an event occurs is costing you timeliness that your competitors will surely be striving for. Sure it was stressful in a way… but I’ve always done my best writing on the fly or in the heat of inspiration. Where has that inspiration gone these days? Certainly not the way of the dodo or the mastodon, but it is elusive to say the least.
Once upon a time, I dreamed of becoming author and making a living just telling stories and writing pages of something somebody somewhere would really enjoy reading. The papers we were assigned in college, back when I majored in English, were always a pleasure to write because I was in my element. Books have been my constant companions since I was a wee only kid in Davenport, Iowa. Why couldn’t a pump out a few volumes of the stories that kept me entertained on long road trips or lonely nights at home? I must have seemed like some sort of changeling as a kid always staring out the window lost in my own adventures. I know I still have it in me, but there’s always a mess somewhere or a screaming child or a dog licking the couch or a phone ringing off the hook. When is it going to be my turn to dream again? Did I already miss it? God, how I want to rend my clothes and gnash my teeth thinking of all the hours I spent doing absolutely nothing in my teens and twenties while assuming that eventually I’d live alone and have enough money to buy spiral notebooks (dated myself there) and chef boyardee. Maybe I’ll be one of those “late bloomers” who doesn’t achieve fame or authorship until I’m in my golden years… or later. Should I return to writing that horrible poetry that makes me cringe when I remember the emotions and the lack of experience I was wallowing in when I copied them into a moleskin the first time?
I think not… in any case, I have ideas and stories within me that sit in blocks of ice waiting for a quiet day and a cup of coffee. I’ve got the office, and this old HP desktop still has a few legs left to keep it from crashing into oblivion. I just hope the ice doesn’t melt while I’m changing diapers and marinating jumbo shrimp for dinner. Here’s to the pencil pushers… may they all get lead poisoning. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some Diem to Carpe.
Posted in Life, You can't categorize me!, writing | Tagged: chores, depression, Life, winter, work, writing | 2 Comments »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 01/12/2010
It is so hard to resist the urge to describe my waiting room experience in detail. I mean, technically a waiting room is a very public place and anything you do there is in front of a bunch of complete strangers. There’s surely no expectation of privacy in the waiting room… but the waiting room at a mental health clinic is certainly entertaining. I brought a book anyway, and it ended up coming in mighty handy.
Okay, so I can’t resist the urge entirely. I went in around quarter to noon and waited in this place for probably two hours or so. In that time there were plenty of people who just sat and waited or walked in and gave the name of the person they had an appointment with. A few were twitchy, some demanding, but mostly just quiet people sitting. Normal stuff for the most part… but there was one shining example of why we were all there in the first place. She came in wearing dress pants under an actual dress over which she had a hooded sweatshirt. She carried a briefcase (and maybe a backpack, too, because she kept producing more bags). She reminded me a lot of that overly made up character from the Drew Carey show… only with shorter hair.
She wore headphones the entire time, but lifted one up when addressed directly and yelled everything she said whether they were over her ears or not. I won’t give every detail I remember, but a few highlights won’t hurt, right? This is a facility that accepts the state medical card and is located downtown just a short couple of blocks from the public safety building. Prisons and courthouses surround the place, and they have been the go-to office for suicide watch/support since I was a teenager. Basically, they are always busy. Walk-ins must wait typically between 2 and 3 hours to see a counselor for the initial assessment. I had walked in and brought a two-inch thick paperback to keep myself occupied.
This woman was informed of the wait and of course yelled “WHY DO I HAVE TO WAIT TWO TO THREE HOURS? CAN’T YOU TALK TO SOMEBODY? I’LL WAIT A FEW MINUTES AND THINK ABOUT YOUR COMPETITORS! MAYBE I’LL GO TALK TO THEM INSTEAD. YEAH, YOU SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO.” …and so on and so forth. After seating herself and her companion, she proceded to read aloud the title of every magazine, comment on the types of magazines available (Outdoor Photography, Working Mother) and how someone had hand delivered these so this must be a nice place. She implied that their unwillingness to see her must be a result of them being either too busy, too stupid, or MAYBE THEY’RE JUST SCARED! (nevermind that there are barely any seats left in the place).
After she was called to the window again they offered to call her at home for an assessment and she agreed, but not after more harassment of the receptionist and threats to steal the stapler near the window what wasn’t staffed because “Nothing’s using it” because “THAT WINDOW DOES NOTHING”.
Anyhoo, I kept my nose in my book because she had a tendency to speak to people around her whether the seemed interested or not and frankly I wasn’t in the mood for any more craziness in my life. When I finally did get called back to speak with a counselor she was very nice and we probably talked for an hour and a half. After all was said and done she had created a sort of file for me, and referred me to somewhere else. I suppose it should feel good to be told that I don’t seem to have a mental disorder, just a lot of transitional grief so-to-speak. I’ll be calling one of the references she gave me and making an appointment there to seek treatment for my attention deficit issues.
I suppose it should be a relief, and it is to some extent. I know that I’m not off my rocker completely, just dealing with a lot of things in the last five years or so that get overwhelming. Journaling on this blog helps, and I’m lucky to have a few friends who are always willing to listen. If I can just get to a place where I’m able to talk it out, I’ll eventually work though everything one way or another. Of course it wouldn’t hurt to have my brains in better order either…
Posted in ADD, Life, therapy | Tagged: ADD, crazies, depression, therapy | 2 Comments »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 01/11/2010
So today’s the big day… I’m going to the nut hut and hopefully I’ll be able to at least get started on the path to inner wellness. It’s kind of funny, I was in the pits of despair and insanity two weeks ago and today I’m feeling surprisingly positive. This doesn’t negate the issue so much as further define it, however.
I think my manic ups and downs are going to be a big part of the explanation when all is said and done. In any case, I’ve made efforts to increase my motivation and energy levels in the last couple of weeks but I still feel like I’ve just created a safety net that I can walk around on. Somewhere below, the distance varies, are the monsters still waiting to gobble me up. I have moments of lucidity and moments of complete and utter desperation… fortunately the latter tend to be more fleeting and I manage to distract myself before it overtakes me.
This post is going to be short, because honestly I should be on my way out the door but instead I’m here talking to you! When I got up this morning I felt alert and ready to start the day. This is extremely rare, but I know what today is and I went straight to bed last night instead of messing around. I made the kids some breakfast sandwiches and got Sebastian’s homework in order, sent him out the door and even got Charlie to pick up one of his OWN messes. He threw Mickey Mouse Dominoes all over the living room floor and together we scooped them back into the box. After that he actually settled in to watch cartoons and I got several fairly decent hours of study in; my preparations for Imbolc are coming along nicely.
Mike is up now, and watching TV with the littlest monster -so I’m off to the good doctors office. I hope. As soon as I’m able I’ll update again.
Posted in ADD, Kids, You can't categorize me! | Tagged: depression, mornings, therapy | 2 Comments »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 01/06/2010
So I’ve just ordered a pizza without even having to leave my desk, and it felt goood. Of course, it will feel much better to go answer the door and have a pizza handed to me that I can immediately serve to my family without having to spend any more time in the kitchen than it takes to shove paper plates into their holders. Sometimes I really do thank my lucky stars for technology.
Found stencil, DeKalb 2005
We finally have the van up and running, after several months of not knowing whether it would start at all or stall out at stoplights and corners. Between that and the oil change/fuel system flush I got a few weeks ago my van is getting back into shape. I just have to figure out why the lights on the console are half out and the fan keeps blowing no matter what I set it at. It actually blows harder when I turn the AC/heat off! I think there are some electrical bugs to be worked out.
My depression over the last few months has been coming dangerously close to unbearable and finally my husband and I had a series of talks that resulted in… well, several things. Most of the laundry I’ve been washing and folding has been put away and he even salted the porch and front walk this morning. He also took a day off next week so I can go see about getting help with my various chemical imbalances.
My first semester at NIU
I was diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit and mild depression at age 13 and haven’t been consistently medicated for anything since I was about 15. I’d say there are considerably more things for me to be depressed about and distracted by now that I’m 30. While ignoring medical problems does usually seem to work out well for me in the short run, this time I’m going to play by the rules. Or at least I’ll attempt to.
In the past I managed my issues by keeping myself busy. When I look at my terrible two year old today, running around the house like a bat out of hell and literally leaving a path of destruction behind him, I’m a bit overwhelmed. When my older son was this age I was a single mother living on my own in DeKalb working between 2 and 3 part time jobs and carrying a 3/4 time academic schedule on top of it. I just didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself and if I got distracted from one thing it was usually by something else that had to be done anyway.
Bastian, age 2
Now that I’m unemployed and married, trying to keep up with a house full of boys and a manic toddler all day, I sometimes feel completely helpless to pull myself out of the hole I’m in. Comparing these periods of my life may seem a little silly, but it gives me some insight as to why I’ve been so miserable. Back then I was lonely, yes, but I knew that whatever decisions I made would only affect myself and my son. The lack of a secure foundation was, to me, a freedom to move in whatever direction I thought was best at the time. No partner also meant no strings attached and no one to cater to as far as life-altering decisions were concerned.
I love my family very much, even though they sometimes fuel the feelings of frustration and anxiety that threaten to overtake me. Even though my responsibilities to them are a restriction on my ability to move freely in any direction. Hopefully after next week I’ll be better equipped to cope with the crazies of seasonal late winter depression. Overall, I know that I am blessed to have two healthy intelligent children and a husband who works hard to take care of us. Despite all of the struggles and the battles of will in our household we do have what’s really important: Xbox live and Netflix.
Posted in Kids, Life | Tagged: depression, family, Kids, love, memories, motherhood, netflix, parenting | 4 Comments »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 01/05/2010
We’ve survived Midwinter, but the death-cycle of the year is not yet over. Winter’s second half is always the worst part of the year for me emotionally… things I want to accomplish seem impossible, I mourn my father’s passing, and the world outside is deadly cold. Sometimes when Bastian’s outside playing I stand at the door or window watching and worrying about the temperature.
Soon enough we’ll start the celebrations of the light returning, but if I could hit a magical fast forward button on the next few months I would do it in a heartbeat. Perhaps this should tell me something. This is a time for inner workings and change to come for us as spiritual creatures living day to day in a harsh physical world. When the grass is buried under the whiteout and the trees are barren of fruit we have little choice but to focus on that which we can only affect from within ourselves. We all know there are things about ourselves we choose (consciously or not) to ignore or avoid dealing with. I’m always wanting to meditate more, and for years I have done nothing to facilitate that. There’s always some excuse why I can’t set aside a time of day for myself: there’s too much else to do or the kids are unwilling to stay out of my hair for long enough.
It’s also difficult for me to go into my sacred space and spend time communing with those spiritual energies because everywhere I go, indoors or out, I feel the cold in my bones. My fingers or toes will hold the chill and the rest of me is usually in varying stages of discomfort from it. We just lost one of our space heaters to old age, too, so if I want one with me during the day I’ll be stealing the one in the kids’ room. Thank god we have collected enough blankets and quilts over the years to bed a small army.
Today is a slightly better day than yesterday, only because I got to unload a little last night and the ear that I needed was eventually there to hear me. Maybe it’s just a seasonal depression, but at some point about an hour ago I felt human again… enough to get up and change a diaper that needed it badly and make lunch. Sometimes being another person’s caretaker can be a reason to get up off the couch when you’d rather just rot there.
Posted in Death, Life, religion | Tagged: celebration, depression, meditation, midwinter, winter | 1 Comment »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 09/02/2009
I feel the need to write lately. Not just the usual “Oh my god I can’t wait to post a journal entry about this experience” or “I’m gonna Tweet this right now so people know it’s happening” kind of feeling. This is more like the “I’ve always wanted this and always known I was capable of it, so why don’t I ever attempt to get a job doing it?” kind of feeling.
Also, the last few days I’ve been feeling alot better about things in general. Not necessarily optimistic about the situations that have been bothering me, but more at peace with the possibilities they represent. Changes can seem pretty negative at times, but often lead into something that was much better than the previous arrangement in the long run. That sort of makes it a positive, right?
More to come -I can’t spend too much time on the computer blogging, because I really do want to accmplish some things today before my day off ends.
Posted in 365 pictures, ADD, Life, work, writing | Tagged: change, depression, hope, Life, work, writing | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 06/09/2009
Posted in 1 | Tagged: ADD, depression, snake, therapy | Enter your password to view comments
Posted by Mary Diamond on 09/21/2008
How in the hell is it September already?
I haven’t written in a month, and even though it feels as if it’s been way longer than that -I’m wondering what happened to this whole year. There were so many things I wanted to accomplish or thought about maybe doing, and all of a sudden I’m realizing that even if I still wanted to (or had the motivation) it’s too late to get started.
A lot of this year has been spent (for me, anyway) in a really cumbersome depression. Money matters have been sucking the lifeblood out of me, and my own feelings of hopelessness have just continued pulling me down until I honestly lost hope. I feel like months of my life have slipped down the drain, and when I think about my state of being during that time… well I guess I’d rather not think about that.
I’m working now, and of course getting callback on jobs that I applied for months ago. The first company that actually gave me an interview took so long in calling me in that I accepted a job at a distribution center working from 7pm to 5:30am because I couldn’t afford to turn down the money. After my first week, however, I finally got a call to come in and drug test for the physically un-challenging position behind a customer service counter. I’ve never appreciated standing behind a cash register so much in my life. Ten hour shifts of moderately heavy physical labor during hours when I’m normally winding down with my kids and going to sleep -no thanks.
Strangely enough, I often felt the urge to write just before and during this depression. Tons of story ideas that really felt promising came to me earlier this spring (I wrote them down for future reference) but I just didn’t have the time to write and when I did have a spare moment there was this odd block. I won’t call it writer’s block, because I was definately feeling a creative burst at the time. It was more like a hesitance to get started. Perhaps I was worried that if I started writing and (as usually happens) the work became increasingly mediocre as I went, I’d just end up fizzling out.
I’ve felt the compulsive need to carry a storyline in the past, and I get so excited and full of hope that I just breeze through anywhere fro 5-25 pages with confidence. Then suddenly I hit this wall, try to continue despite, and end up tossing the whole project. Maybe that’s when I should take a breather.
I don’t know. But with the additional income I’m now bringing in we should be able to start digging ourselves out of this hole we’re in right now. At least I’m feeling better right now about things in general.
Posted in Life | Tagged: 2008, depression, ideas, money, stories, work, writer's block, writing | 1 Comment »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 03/05/2008
I finally got the horrendous fake nails off last night. For a good friend’s wedding I went out and spent $40 on gel nails, which look slightly less fake than acrylics -but not really enough to matter. They were nice for a time, but as my nails grew out and they got longer and longer… I realized that the underside of those things is like a bomb shelter for bacteria.
I ate barbecue one night and couldn’t get the sauce out from between the nail tip and my real nail, changing numerous diapers (on a baby who’s teething and has the same cold as I do) I cringed thinking of the germs I couldn’t see. Now that I’m typing without them again, it’s like a whole new world of ease and convenience.
When I woke up this morning, I felt slightly better about things. I’ve been down in the dumps lately. Clinical depression would be a better term, but I think it’s developed quite a bit since my “moderate” diagnosis over ten years ago.
Anyway, I tried to actually work out around lunchtime today. I did make it most of the way through my old belly dance workout DVD before I started cheating on the steps a little and eventually took water breaks while the attractive east-Indian twins on the screen did the cardio exercises. I do still have a baby to take care of, and having my limbs feel like jell-o doesn’t exactly make life easier. I thought I’d feel much better afterward, but I still didn’t accomplish the baking or the dishes I had planned for today.
Then my husband called and reminded me that it was Wednesday (for some reason I thought it was Thursday). It seemed like moments after I hung up the phone I just got sapped. Thursday nights we have a D&D game at our house and friends come over. It’s something I do look forward to, despite having to make my living room look halfway decent. I guess I put off all the cleaning at that point, since it wasn’t until tomorrow that anyone would be coming over.
Once he got off work, he stopped at home long enough to change clothes, feed the baby one bottle, and ask if the dog needed to go out. He, of course, did not take the dog out and then left without dinner to go play video games at a friend’s house.
I’m really tired of arguing about the same things we always do, so I guess I’m at an impasse. Lately, I’ve just been losing energy like a balloon with no knot. One minute I’m prepared to get things done and planning out my day in my head -the next I’m playing catatonic on the living room furniture and I don’t even have the strength to pursue my own feelings of anger and frustration.
I’d really like to see a professional sometime. Maybe when those publisher’s clearinghouse people show up with my big check.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: depression, energy, housewife, husband, marriage, workout | 1 Comment »
Posted by Mary Diamond on 02/27/2008
Okay, so I’ve been moored in a sea of lethargy for weeks now. Somehow, this morning, I woke up and felt like maybe I could start to snap out of it.
I got up and dressed. My husband actually woke with the baby this morning, so I was able to use the bathroom and sit down for a moment to collect my thoughts. For some time now, I’ve been considering making lists -things to do, schedules for each day, things that piss me off, etc.
In general, a lot of things have been irritating me and I think that part of my lesson in this phase of life is to be at peace with the things I cannot “fix”. This isn’t to say that I’m typically a “fixer” who takes pride in making others change their ways, or demands that things be under my control. At least not openly.
Being an Aries, there is of course some amount of megalomania to my personality but it’s mostly due to this uncontrollable drive to make things be “just” and “right”. Of course, both of these things are pretty subjective when you think about it a minute. There are exceptions of course, but even then there’s usually more than one shade of very dark grey.
Anyhow, here’s a list of things I want to do. Just for kicks.
1. Start posting two blogs a day: one here in LJ, which I am eternally loyal to, and one on my wordpress blog (gasp!) which will eventually start paying out, I hope. I only have two because this blog has been a part of me for nearly ten years now and I don’t want to pollute it with thinly veiled marketing slugs if I don’t have to. That just feels like I’m selling out my oldest and dearest blog.
2. Start a themed blog, something like “Guess what psychological disorder I have” or “cooking with Adult ADD” or something odd and humorous like that.
3. Write down my dreams every morning.
4. Clean and rearrange our bedroom, furniture and all.
5. Find a freelance writing or online gig that will provide at least a supplemental income, which we cannot continue to live without.
6. meditate daily
7. exercise at least twice a week, for starters.
8. Walk the dog every day (which could perhaps help cover #7)
9. include this blog, embedded, on my new website, www.marydiamond.com
10. Look backward through all my posts and privatize anything that I don’t want my local social group to get a hold of. Because if people who knew me ever got around to digging here… let’s just say I could end up pretty humiliated.
Posted in 1 | Tagged: blogging, depression, jobs, lists, lj, writing | 1 Comment »
When I was writing for a publication, getting paid per line of story, I had a sort of thrill about everything I did. Even the stories that made me groan a little or required me to interview someone I’d normally never approach were exciting, because I knew that they’d be read by an audience of my peers and that my input was needed to put the paper together. Hell, even the impending deadlines and the threats (veiled or otherwise) from editors gave me a little rush from time to time. The news world is up to the second these days, and every moment after an event occurs is costing you timeliness that your competitors will surely be striving for. Sure it was stressful in a way… but I’ve always done my best writing on the fly or in the heat of inspiration. Where has that inspiration gone these days? Certainly not the way of the dodo or the mastodon, but it is elusive to say the least.