Tag Archive: family


Hump Day Can Be Pretty, Too!

Filed under: 365 pictures, Kids, writing by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
04/14/2010

Things are looking up today. Both of the kids battled a nasty stomach flu this past weekend, and between Saturday night’s isolated regurgitation and Tuesday mornings marathon puking… I’m done cleaning up other peoples stomach contents for quite a while, thank you.

Fortunately, both boys recovered within 24 hours of the stomach cramping and otherwise extreme discomfort. I got a nap in yesterday evening, which rejuvenated me immensely and I was then unable to get to sleep until around 4 am. Still, today is beautiful and the temperature is supposed to reach the high 70′s today, so Charlie and I will be going out to enjoy it. I’m also thinking I’ll probably make a ham tonight for dinner, and attempt to get some working in.

The camera situation has been cleared up, so my posts can now have photos -but since I’ve now got a photoblog as well I’ll try to be less reliant upon them for this blog. I need to write more, creatively or otherwise, and it’s really starting to wear on my overall outlook that I’m NOT doing what I love and then I’m upset about being unhappy all the time. I’ve decided I’m going to start freewriting regularly, and attempt a few short stories just to get the literary juices flowing. More to come on that.

I got to see my cousin’s family, and her beautiful children had a birthday last weekend. On the way to meet with them I noticed my tulips were especially beautiful and I just had to photograph them. Obviously the “best” of the bunch is on the photoblog, but here’s another shot of the group open wide. Ah spring.


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Digital Pizza, Digital Therapy

Filed under: Kids, Life by Mary Diamond — 4 Comments
01/06/2010

So I’ve just ordered a pizza without even having to leave my desk, and it felt goood. Of course, it will feel much better to go answer the door and have a pizza handed to me that I can immediately serve to my family without having to spend any more time in the kitchen than it takes to shove paper plates into their holders. Sometimes I really do thank my lucky stars for technology.

Found stencil, DeKalb 2005

We finally have the van up and running, after several months of not knowing whether it would start at all or stall out at stoplights and corners. Between that and the oil change/fuel system flush I got a few weeks ago my van is getting back into shape. I just have to figure out why the lights on the console are half out and the fan keeps blowing no matter what I set it at. It actually blows harder when I turn the AC/heat off! I think there are some electrical bugs to be worked out.

My depression over the last few months has been coming dangerously close to unbearable and finally my husband and I had a series of talks that resulted in… well, several things. Most of the laundry I’ve been washing and folding has been put away and he even salted the porch and front walk this morning. He also took a day off next week so I can go see about getting help with my various chemical imbalances.

My first semester at NIU

I was diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit and mild depression at age 13 and haven’t been consistently medicated for anything since I was about 15. I’d say there are considerably more things for me to be depressed about and distracted by now that I’m 30. While ignoring medical problems does usually seem to work out well for me in the short run, this time I’m going to play by the rules. Or at least I’ll attempt to.

In the past I managed my issues by keeping myself busy. When I look at my terrible two year old today, running around the house like a bat out of hell and literally leaving a path of destruction behind him, I’m a bit overwhelmed. When my older son was this age I was a single mother living on my own in DeKalb working between 2 and 3 part time jobs and carrying a 3/4 time academic schedule on top of it. I just didn’t have time to feel sorry for myself and if I got distracted from one thing it was usually by something else that had to be done anyway.

Bastian, age 2

Now that I’m unemployed and married, trying to keep up with a house full of boys and a manic toddler all day, I sometimes feel completely helpless to pull myself out of the hole I’m in. Comparing these periods of my life may seem a little silly, but it gives me some insight as to why I’ve been so miserable. Back then I was lonely, yes, but I knew that whatever decisions I made would only affect myself and my son. The lack of a secure foundation was, to me, a freedom to move in whatever direction I thought was best at the time. No partner also meant no strings attached and no one to cater to as far as life-altering decisions were concerned.

I love my family very much, even though they sometimes fuel the feelings of frustration and anxiety that threaten to overtake me. Even though my responsibilities to them are a restriction on my ability to move freely in any direction. Hopefully after next week I’ll be better equipped to cope with the crazies of seasonal late winter depression. Overall, I know that I am blessed to have two healthy intelligent children and a husband who works hard to take care of us. Despite all of the struggles and the battles of will in our household we do have what’s really important: Xbox live and Netflix.

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Things That Sting

Filed under: 365 pictures, Kids, Life by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
07/05/2009

july090012 Well, July has been fun so far… Charlie got his first three bee stings, all at once. The kids were playing in the driveway near the back of the house, and when I went in to grab my camera he got into it with a few bees. We’ve got a wasp nest under the deck, so I’m thinking they were most likely the culprits. Poor baby was upset, but considering how bad they look he really didn’t cry for long.

Fourth of July was pretty last minute for us. I had to work Friday and Saturday, but afterwards I came home and sat with the kids in the living room while we waited for the rain to stop. We missed my family’s bbq and skipped the downtown fireworks to go out to a friend’s house. Fortunately, they were able to make a quick run to the border (the Wisconsin border, that is) and get some bottle rockets and mortars to blow up. The fun got a little scary at times, but the yard was big enough that the kids were either on the deck or in the house during the scary parts.

These sparks are a few feet from the camera!

These sparks are a few feet from the camera!

Here’s a shot of the one misfire we had -of course Mike got to light this one. It sparked for a bit but never moved upward into the sky. Thank Goddess everyone dove away from it a split second before it exploded. I snapped the picture just as I heard bits of cardboard bouncing off the plastic slats. These sparks are a few feet from the camera! I could have been seriously hurt.

I stood up to find my husband (all six feet four inches of him) rolling around in the grass laughing hysterically. At first I couldn’t tell if he was hurt or not, but everyone was fine. At least I got a chance to play around with the fireworks setting on my digital camera. The kids (young and old) got to have some fun with sparklers, too. I used the lawnchair that saved my life (or at least my skin) as a tripod, since I didn’t have time to pack mine along. I’ll post some video of the fire-inspired antics on my photobucket later on.

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Protected: Oh how I miss my LiveJournal!

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — Enter your password to view comments.
05/26/2009

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Keeping the Faith

Filed under: ADD, Life, Rants, money, politics, religion by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
09/25/2008

It’s strange how attached we become to the definitions we’re familiar with. A lot of my fellow pagans cringe when I use the word “faith” or “sin” because they are so jaded from their early experience with judeo-christianity.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t define these words in the same way as the church, nor do I believe either of them is going to bring you damnation or salvation. But the ideas behind them started with a grain of truth, as I believe most religious dogma did at some point in ancient history.

Lately, I’ve gotten so damn sick of being broke, blogging about being broke, thinking about being broke, praying about being broke… And I desperately plead with the gods everytime we find ourselves backed against a wall financially. It seems that each time we hit this rock bottom and I feel hope is nearly lost -they come through at the last minute and we escape from ruin by a hair’s breadth.

These close calls can only go on for so long, I know, and each rescue leaves another bill or debt to grow larger as we attempt to live above our means. It seems that our family’s needs (true needs like groceries and electricity and gas) are constantly being juggled or held up against one another because we can’t really afford them on our income.

I just started working, thinking that the new influx of income would make a difference and allow us to actually budget and pull ourselves out of this mess -but it seems that we’re so far behind we’ll need some kind of miracle to get us up to a point where my part-time paycheck will make a difference.

Through it all, however, I feel this crazy sense of gratitude. We’ve managed this way for over a year now, paying a mortgage that we signed for when Mike was still making $42,000 a year on half that salary. We all have our health, and our second anniversary is coming up next month.

Life is such a rollercoaster sometimes. I keep thinking about giving up the house and finding an apartment somewhere, but in this market even that wouldn’t really give us relief, would it? Besides, I love our first home and the yard and the basement. Tiny as it is, it fits us beautifully.

The other night I was sitting out on the porch beseeching whoever was out there (it was a beautiful clear night) to give us an opportunity. We’re both working now, we’re both willing to work at whatever opportunity comes our way to allow us a more stable life. I’d give anything I have -time, energy, creativity- to a project if that work would eventually provide my family with a better future. At first I was just struggling to think of something I could do, because that’s how I am used to thinking, but then I realized I’d even be happy if just Mike could get an opportunity to do something over and above his job in sales. He hates sales, but he’s good at it and he’s been moving upward in the company in every way except his salary.

He came home full of energy and said he’d met with some friends who want to form a partnership of sorts with him as their “face man”. I know a lot of people scoff at the idea of omens… but I’m thankful for this one. Whatever happens, I seem to find a lot better outcomes when I just keep the faith.

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Dude, where’s my heritage?

Filed under: Kids, Life by Mary Diamond — 3 Comments
07/24/2008

My husband and I took the kids to Rockford’s Greek Fest 2008 on Sunday, and experienced a little bit of culture. Actually, it was a whole lot of culture.

The Saints Helen and Constantine Greek Orthodox church is where Mike’s mom grew up, along with all the Greek family on her side. Her father (my husband’s “papouli” or Greek grandfather) and mother (Mike’s “yiayia” or Greek grandmother) were members, and volunteered every year for the festival before yiayia passed away.

There was Greek dancing (the zorba dance among others was performed and plates were broken -OPA!) and gyros, athenian chicken, and the ouzo was flowing like water. I got a little choked up watching everyone from middle aged ladies to cassocked priests to toddlers putting arms around each others shoulders and performing the step-oriented dances while smiling and laughing.

It was beautiful to see traditions and customs from a culture so old to be carried out and celebrated in the American midwest by people so far removed from their origins. It wrenches my heart a little to realize that I had no such enrichment as a child. My father, when prompted to answer about our ancestors or heritage, would respond “we’re Americans” and huff off to smoke his pipe and watch Rush Limbaugh.

My mother would tell me about her family’s names, and what country they came from, but that was about all the information I could get from either of them.

I longed for that sort of information to be passed on to me, as a kid. Somehow it seemed that knowing where your ancestors came here from, essentially where you came from, made a person special. The world is a fascinating place, and the different cultures that have sprung up all over the globe really do fascinate me. But living in a place where so many of those cultures have come together and been re-written, disenfranchised, or smothered with non-regional dialect and behavior gets depressing sometimes. I feel, as an American, that whatever culture we do have (hotdogs? baseball? apple pie?) is so vague and commecialized that it lacks that ancient feel, that sacredness of tradition most of the time.

Sure, I wipe away a tear when I can afford to go to a live sporting event where the anthem is sung. Every fourth of July I think of my father and his father and the veterans and soldiers and philosophers who made this country what it is by their thinking and common sense and bloodshed. But every single one of those nostalgic experiences is tempered by the knowledge that this country we live in, that allows us the freedoms we have and the quality of life we expect these days, wasn’t always ours. Someone in my family, many someones, at some point decided that America sounded like a great place to be. Somebody made the journey from wherever they were to here, and toughed it out as an immigrant with a family. Whoever those someone’s were, they had traditions from somewhere else ingrained into them. They knew a place that was before America, before capitalism, and before multi-media centers and $8.00 bottles of water and $26 folding chairs on the lawn at an outdoor rock concert.

I want to know what those traditions were. What blood flows in my veins, and why do I fight a lump in my throat every time I hear a bagpipe blowing? How in the hell did I start to crave sauerkraut on my bratwurst?

America is beautiful, and there are really only a handful of other places I’d be willing to live at this point in my life… but I’m going to do my best to teach my boys about the rich cultures of their ancestors, even if I have to treat it like a research assignment.

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No Pictures

Filed under: Uncategorized by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
01/31/2008

I have decided that the bulk of my personal fun money from the tax return is going to go towards a digital SLR. I’ve been researching, and it’s probably going to be the Canon Rebel 400D. There are some decently priced packages on Ebay, that include one lens, and I’d like to try for either a decent macro or a competitively priced zoom lens as well.

Photography has always been a hobby of mine. In high school I toyed around with the idea of doing it professionally, but my experiences with high school publications, being head photographer of the newspaper and a staffer on the yearbook, really turned me off to the idea.

Now I realize that it’s just plain stupid to let politics and other people’s drama take away something that I love. My father was photographer, learning how to use a darkroom in the Air Force, and he always took great pride in my pictures. I took great pride in them too, when they were good.

I really want to start focusing on what I’m good at, those things that fill me with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction when I do them well, and trying to get recognition for them. Eventually, I would love to find a way to earn money doing that. Isn’t that technically the secret of life? Finding a way to do what you love, and by doing so make a living? My god, to be at the reins for a change -living my life for myself and my family- and not feel like some sort of burden on society… That would be heaven.

On that note -I think I’ll start a photographic portfolio. I have negatives from high school, digital photos all over my computers, and actual pictures laying around the house that go back to my first attempts as a child.

Soon.

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Barak the Vote!

Filed under: politics by Mary Diamond — 2 Comments
01/04/2008

As my family sat at the dinner table tonight, we watched part of Obama’s victory speech. Honestly, I got a little choked up thinking about the changes this country needs and how desperately this “born leader” has been sought for the last 7 years.

Of course I’m skeptical, as with any political leader that could potentially hold as much sway as the President of the United States used to around the world. Recently, during a friendly discussion with our D&D group, someone made the comment that our country’s position as a world superpower is currently ornamental at best.

I’m inclined to believe that if we were truly that far outside the game, we’d have been attacked or blown up by now. We still have our fighting words.

Whatever happens in the future, I hope that families like mine will be able to see the light at the end of that financial tunnel. “Universal Healthcare” would be great, but I’d like to see less home foreclosures going on.

On a slightly disturbing note, my husband just informed me that videos of Britney Spears’ late night trip to the hospital are getting more hits than the Iowa Caucus and Obama’s speech. God help us all.

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Jack ‘O’ Lantern socks!

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — Leave a comment
10/17/2003

I’m cool. I’ve been wearing halloween socks all week.

I’ve also been sneezing, which means a cold is on it’s way.

Perhaps if I actually start taking the damn zinc I’m so gung-ho about, it’ll actually fend off the dreaded illness.

I’ve been better today. Even though I realize this whole month so far has been shit.

Shock-tober is sucking because of… Broken glasses, having to replace rear brakes and rear right tire on car, illness abounding, sleep deprived, behind on reading assignments, missing surprise party in chicago, dead-fucking-broke, feeling helpless about crush, feeling dumb because I have the power to do something about it but I’m too chicken, stressing about aforementioned crush is bringing on a breakout, Dave hasn’t spoken to me at ALL since we broke up, and now Isaac is MIA.

I’m sure I could come up with more, but I don’t like to count my velociraptors before they hatch and eat me alive.

On a spooky note, my parents actually spoke to each other today for the first time in almost a month. I can’t wait until after the 26th of October. If I had my own place, I’d have a huge party. The END of the DREADED Mercury retrograde. DAMN THEM, those retrogrades.

I’m at work right now, where I don’t want to be, but no one answered my e-mail about working until today and that was a polite apology for not being able to help me.

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Soulsick, searching for a speedy escape…

Filed under: 1 by Mary Diamond — 2 Comments
10/06/2003

Heh… That was the first line of one of my high school “fat girl Poems” as I like to call them. I wrote alot of crappy poetry and threw a lot of it out. Some of it was actually good enough for me to keep around. Mostly it just reminds me why I don’t write poetry often -I suck at it.

I’m noticing lately that my writing style is pretty sloppy when it comes to journal entries and letters to friends. Oh well, there is a time and place for correctness.

I left this weekend on a really good note. Spent Sunday night staying up way later than I should have. I was talking with a couple of old friends and someone who I desperately long to make a new friend of. *sigh* I guess that contributed to the soul searching I’ve been doing recently. I’ve been spending time with old friends and reflecting inward for the past few weeks.

Oberon says I should stop thinking about having a boyfriend. That irritates me a little, because I’m not exactly hyper-focusing on it. I honestly don’t think I have time for a serious relationship right now. That’s why I’m single. Because *I* took actions to be so.
Still… I find myself wistfully fantasizing about finding something that’s REAL. I feel as if I’ve been bouncing from one facade to another, just as guilty myself of the pretending my partners have done. My last few relationships have left me with a distinct sense of …meloncholy? apathy? I don’t know. I’m hungry for something that I haven’t had in a long time. It isn’t sex. It’s not even love, really. I think it’s possibility.
When you meet someone new and mysterious -untainted by past mistakes or betrayals- the possibility of something really good propels all your interactions. For the last three years I’ve been going from the same old flame (I should have known better) to fleeting physical pleasure and on to old friends who aren’t really compatible. What have I gained from all this? Well, I’m a completely different person. I’m starting to understand that I’ve been responsible in ways I never allowed myself to see. My relationships have failed because they were doomed to from the beginning. That’s okay, though, really. I’m meant to be with someone. Somewhere, maybe someone I know or maybe not, there’s a perfect someone who I could be really good for. Someone I could be comfortable with and be still be madly in love.
I’m trying to stay objective and not allow my situation to force my judgement. Still, I realized the other day that several of my friends are planning weddings in the next year or two. Then I started thinking, half-heartedly, about what it would be like to be planning my own wedding. Who’d be the maid of honor? How many people would I want there? Then something really sad occured to me. My dad’s on the decline already. What if he’s not there? What if I have no one to give me away? Then I cried.
I hate to sound cliche, but the clock is ticking. I’m almost 25 now and my dad is gonna be 63 on the 15th. If I want another baby someday, I’d have to be married for a while before that could happen. If I’m going to be married I have to find someone I like and develop a bond. Even before I’ll be able to think about babies and marriage, I’ll have to be earning enough to get a secure home for us all. All these scenarios take time. Years, even. Five years from now I’ll be 30 and dad will be 68. I don’t think I’ll be there by then.
Why am I doing this? LoL… I’m not really concerned about the getting old part -I think I’ll enjoy having long grey hair and being wise. But I do want a family, for myself and for Sebastian. It would just be so nice to feel like a part of something healthy. My OWN family that I could love. I could do it right this time.
When I think about my childhood I’m amazed to discover that I was honestly more depressed as a five year old than I’ve ever been as an adult. This is the BETTER half of my life I’m embarking on. My chance to give so much love that it will fill up the void I became growing up.
Sebastian has been the best medicine for my “baggage”. I hate the term, but it applies. What most people don’t realize is that all my fucked up situations and failed relationships don’t make a scratch on me compared to the hurt I harbored in my childhood. In the last year I’ve done so much healing I almost forgot about what hell was like.
Having someone in my life who I love with such a pure, fierce, natural passion is amazing. As a kid I was convinced that no one in the world could love me. I thought my Dad was the only one who showed any promise, but he was at work alot. Growing up, of course, that belief became a personal issue that has been one of my main obstacles to personal happiness. How do you go on every day trying when you have no real hope?
Now I’ve softened so much that I sometimes wonder if it’ll last. I feel -this is gonna sound funny- like a real “girl” finally. I can cry at the end of movies and when a really good song moves me to. I can tell people that I care about them without twitching. I can give and recieve hugs without the intense discomfort I used to feel. That violence that used to rise in my chest when someone expressed care for me is gone. Yeah, I still have some itty-bitty space issues, but only when certain bullies take advantage of them.
Overall, this entry is a positive one. I’m realizing things about myself. This, in turn, is bringing me closer (I believe) to being in a position to be happy with myself. I’m close. Once I’ve reached a place where I really believe I can be -then I’ll find love waiting in ambush. God I long for it.
“No more words for now, who’ll read them?”
(that’s the last line of that shitty poem.)

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