marydiamond.com

It’s strange how attached we become to the definitions we’re familiar with. A lot of my fellow pagans cringe when I use the word “faith” or “sin” because they are so jaded from their early experience with judeo-christianity.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t define these words in the same way as the church, nor do I believe either of them is going to bring you damnation or salvation. But the ideas behind them started with a grain of truth, as I believe most religious dogma did at some point in ancient history.

Lately, I’ve gotten so damn sick of being broke, blogging about being broke, thinking about being broke, praying about being broke… And I desperately plead with the gods everytime we find ourselves backed against a wall financially. It seems that each time we hit this rock bottom and I feel hope is nearly lost -they come through at the last minute and we escape from ruin by a hair’s breadth.

These close calls can only go on for so long, I know, and each rescue leaves another bill or debt to grow larger as we attempt to live above our means. It seems that our family’s needs (true needs like groceries and electricity and gas) are constantly being juggled or held up against one another because we can’t really afford them on our income.

I just started working, thinking that the new influx of income would make a difference and allow us to actually budget and pull ourselves out of this mess -but it seems that we’re so far behind we’ll need some kind of miracle to get us up to a point where my part-time paycheck will make a difference.

Through it all, however, I feel this crazy sense of gratitude. We’ve managed this way for over a year now, paying a mortgage that we signed for when Mike was still making $42,000 a year on half that salary. We all have our health, and our second anniversary is coming up next month.

Life is such a rollercoaster sometimes. I keep thinking about giving up the house and finding an apartment somewhere, but in this market even that wouldn’t really give us relief, would it? Besides, I love our first home and the yard and the basement. Tiny as it is, it fits us beautifully.

The other night I was sitting out on the porch beseeching whoever was out there (it was a beautiful clear night) to give us an opportunity. We’re both working now, we’re both willing to work at whatever opportunity comes our way to allow us a more stable life. I’d give anything I have -time, energy, creativity- to a project if that work would eventually provide my family with a better future. At first I was just struggling to think of something I could do, because that’s how I am used to thinking, but then I realized I’d even be happy if just Mike could get an opportunity to do something over and above his job in sales. He hates sales, but he’s good at it and he’s been moving upward in the company in every way except his salary.

He came home full of energy and said he’d met with some friends who want to form a partnership of sorts with him as their “face man”. I know a lot of people scoff at the idea of omens… but I’m thankful for this one. Whatever happens, I seem to find a lot better outcomes when I just keep the faith.