I’ve spent the last hour or so crying. Not sad, mopey, pathetic crying -but the kind that just feels good.
I was watching TV (hope my husband isn’t reading) this morning, trying to muster up the motivation to start a full-on project, when the movie Antwone Fisher came on. When it first came out I took a passing interest, but never actually got a chance to watch it.
The dream sequence at the beginning caught my attention, and the whole rest of the movie had my rapt attention. During commercials, of course, I was changing diapers, feeding kids, cleaning ketchup off the carpet, changing crib sheets (AGAIN) doing laundry, and making bottles.
As a younger person I didn’t put much stock into emotional displays -hell, I didn’t really express anything genuine if I could help it. The older I get, the more women I meet who say the same thing. All of us seem to be getting more comfortable with ourselves as we grow and have families of our own. Maybe it’s a generational thing.
But this movie… I was openly sobbing near the end. Not just tears running down the cheeks and sniffling, like I usually do during movies that grab me, but audibly sobbing. It was around this time that I realized -I want to do that with my writing. It’s not that I want to make people cry… but the cathartic release you get from just completely opening yourself, reacting full-on with emotions for something outside yourself.
I really envy anyone who can do that with their expression -whatever form it takes. That’s why I liked the movie Lady in the Water, and most of M. Night Shyamalan’s movies. A lot of my friends groan and complain about how his movies “weren’t scary” or didn’t really deliver on what they wanted from them. I think they were looking for a thriller or a sci-fi fantasy, instead of an expression of the human experience told in layers. I want to be able to write about my experiences in life, my emotional state, the terrors of the world and the beauty of it -without just blathering on about my childhood and emotional development.
These guys have mastered the art of telling a story and delivering way more than just what happens in it. Why can’t I do that?
