It’s funny how you tell yourself that you don’t feel certain things, and even make yourself believe it for a time. In hindsight, when the memories come to you and make your cheeks hot, you realize that you were just avoiding the discomfort of admitting your own vulnerability. I got fired from a job for the first time in September of 2009. I left that little windowless room without a job or a certainty of income for the future, and I smiled at former co-workers on my way down the long line of cash registers -knowing that in a matter of minutes or hours they’d all realize that had been my walk of shame. It really did hurt, now that I allow myself to think about it. I’ve still got Facebook connections with a number of my co-workers, and if I were to see them somewhere I’d be thrilled to stop and chat… but part of me feels as if I’ve been ostracized and it’s a feeling that really sucks. Sure I was frustrated with management there -everybody seemed to be- but I did enjoy the people I worked with on both sides of the counter (usually) and the future had potential. My current job hunting has been made that much more difficult by the fact that I’ve never had to explain being fired before. I’m at a loss for how to sound credible.
As a person who’s conducted employment interviews as a manager, I can say that I’d be extremely wary of anyone with that in their immediate history. Sometimes I consider the suggestions I got to write a letter to someone, using the open door policy of Wal Mart Stores, Inc. and explain the whole situation. If there were even the slightest possibility of getting my job back there would I want to? It seems obvious that I was not welcome with the people who had the authority to remove me. Former co-workers have asked me (jokingly) to return… as if that were an option. Some have even urged me to pursue legal action. As tempting as it would be to reach out and wipe away the past, putting myself back where I was six months ago, I wouldn’t do it if I could. I suppose that fate has something in store for me. Maybe this is some kind of wake up call to get my education back on track. My kids have certainly enjoyed having me here before and after school and during the evenings when they are home. My husband has not complained about having me here to prepare our family meals and keep the housework up. I have truly enjoyed spending so much time with the kids while they are young and mutable, to an extent. Still, I feel as if I’m stagnating and sometimes I just wish I could go somewhere and drop off Charlie and punch a clock. To be working, bringing income to our family and feeling a sense of self-worth earned by hard work is important to me.
I need to work harder at finding work. It’s just so difficult, though, knowing how many others are out there who are skilled and qualified and even better educated than me. I have no degree to show for all my years of schooling, and hope is quite scarce out there. Wish me luck.
